School starts next week and I am looking forward to slowly get back into my running routine. When I run, I generally write from my heart. Running is the place that I am able to tap into a lot of what’s in my mind, and translate that onto the pages of this blog. This summer I didn’t run much– I spent a lot of time with my kids. My writing felt flat and uninspiring. I’m okay with that, writing, like life, has it’s ebbs and flows–I did different types of creative posts, but there has been that little edge bubbling below the surface lately, so I thought I’d give you a another edition of, “Truth Is”.
Truth is, several months ago I set out to either grow this blog or stop all together. I had reached a plateau and I am someone who is very uncomfortable with being stagnant. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel, so I did everything I could to grow RunWiki and it has, it’s more than doubled it size. I’m proud of that, but my intention was to create a consistent part time income so that I can stay at home with my kids. The truth is, I make some money at this, but in my mind, not enough to justify the amount of time it takes to do this.
Truth is, blogging isn’t just about money, it’s also a creative outlet for me, so I am torn about giving it up.. so torn, it keeps me up at night. I feel (perhaps in my imagination) trapped- I don’t know what direction to go in. In the end I tell myself that it’s like marriage, it’s not always perfect and flowing smooth, it has ups and downs and you have to ride out the storms. I also tell myself that I could be working a part time job and making an income that would help my family out- it’s an exhausting battle in my mind.
Truth is, I never feel like I’m doing enough. I constantly feel I could do more for my kids, my family, my blog, my parents, my friends, my sisters. It’s a constant source of pressure and the only thing that kind of soothes this feeling is running (which I am currently unable to do) or meditation (ha! I can’t sit in silence for more than 30 seconds), and so I turn to the words of my friend Carla, “Do what you can, when you can #wycwyc.” I say this and give myself permission to be okay with what doesn’t get done, but the reality is that I feel better in that instant, but the “guilt voice” lingers and it’s strong. I fight it, and sometimes I win but sometimes it breaks me down.
Truth is, when you become the parent of school aged children you will be thrown into an environment where almost every parent will stop at nothing to have their child be the best at whatever it is that child does. Whether it be academics or sports, the competition is relentless and parents around here have the resources to do whatever it takes to turn their child into the next star student, player, actor, chef, or whatever. Private coaches, tutors, club sports, lessons – not just once a week, but every day. The part about this that keeps me up at night is that I feel because my kids are never at the top of their game, that they are always left behind, that I am in some way doing them a disservice and ruining them. I pop out of bed at 2 am screaming, “I’m not doing enough!”
The reality is that my kids are just fine, and will most likely learn just as much (maybe more) about life from always being the kid that doesn’t have the skill, the private coach, the club sports. They will learn to be humble, they will learn that you have to work hard, they will learn that some people have less advantages than others and how important it is to give the disadvantaged a hand up. It’s tough to watch my kids come in at the bottom, it’s heartbreaking to tell them we can’t afford that, it’s tough not to feel like we need to be doing what everyone else is doing. It is, however, a great opportunity to teach them that billions of people in the world would look at us and say that we have it all.
These things keeps me up at night and bring a tear to my eye, but I must fight the feelings and believe that they will thrive into adulthood because I fiercely love them.
Truth is, I’m ready for my kids to go back to school. We’ve had a great summer, but we are all getting on each others nerves. A part of me is kind of annoyed that my kids expect me to entertain them so much. I can’t blame them entirely, I enjoy playing with them on occasion and they’ve come to count on that.The other half is that we no longer live in a “free range” environment. Gone are the days where you can send your kids to the park to play by themselves. If you did that these days, social services might be paying you a visit.
Truth is, I say that I want my life to be less stressful, I say that I can’t handle many aspects of modern life, but I do little to change it. I have become accustomed to doing things a certain way. I am used to working at a fast, chaotic pace, and it’s difficult for me to get off the hamster wheel long enough to try something different. In others words, I guess I’m either scared of what a complete life overhaul would do to me, or I tell myself that the grass isn’t greener and you need to just suck it up until the kids are older. There must be some middle ground, but I don’t see it. Feel free to tell me if you know the secret to this.
Truth is, when I write these posts and re-read them for edit, it always sounds like I am complaining. I hate that I judge myself for that – what’s wrong with the occasional rant? I need to be able to process my thoughts, get them out of my head so that I can then move on in a positive way. The answer to many of the these issues is gratitude. Be grateful for what you have not what you don’t, but I can’t be grateful unless I know what’s bothering me. It’s like having a tag on your shirt that’s itching you, and you can’t be comfortable unless you cut the annoying thing out.
Truth is, even though I have some very close friends, whom I could say just about anything to, we are all busy with our lives and it’s very difficult to find the time to sit down and talk about the things that I am discussing here. Plus, we all have our problems and mine are minuscule compared to most. This is when the guilty little voice in my head tells me that I’m not important, and no one cares about you and you should just remain quiet. (not true- but the pesky voice remains)
[bctt tweet=”I’m getting personal on the blog today-another edition of.. Truth is #fitfluential #sweatpink”]
Truth is, I’m tired, like really tired with dark circles under my eyes. Like “I haven’t had a restful night sleep in over a decade” tired. I’m used to it and again, it’s something I have become accustomed too and accept. Could I change it? Probably, but I have no idea how or where to start.
Truth is, the older I get, the less time I stay in a funk or in a dark place. You begin to realize that you are the boss of your thoughts and there are two ways to look at the glass. Most days it’s half full. It’s my choice and it’s never as difficult as I think it is to change. I just need to get out my way and make it happen.
You’re turn.. any grips lately? How about pet peeves? How about things you’re grateful for?