Things have not been easy these days. My family is getting ready to move across the country from Northern Virginia to Southern California. Being a military family you would think these thing would be a piece of cake for us, but they’re not.
We have a house to sell, which in this market we are going to lose money on. Money that we do not have (being in the military does not bring you wealth). We now have to decide where and if we will buy or rent in SoCal, and most likely in a location that was less than what we had imagined. We have no place to live, my kids are not registered at a school for next year. We have been plagued with stomach virus for three weeks. A few people I have always counted on to be there for me in these crappy moments are just unable to say the right words or comfort me in the way I need. We are sleep deprived, stressed out and, lately, just plain unhappy.
I am really dumping this out at the expense of looking like a whiner. I realize it could be so much worse, but honestly there have been a few moments where it didn’t feel like that, even though logically, I know it could be. I am just in a huge life funk and am sorting my way through some pretty dark days. I have not felt strong enough to write about it until recently. The past couple of days I have come to realize that many circumstances are out of my control, especially the part about the people being there for me. For a while there, I could feel myself becoming very bitter and angry, I still have moments like this. I have never felt this before, I have felt sadness but never so much anger and apathy.
Like I always have, I turn to running in these moments of despair. It has been a process, this has not come overnight but I am slowly reminding myself that being cold and bitter is only hurting one person, me. I was wanting someone, anyone to swoop down and take all of my problems away, to give me some relief, but just like a marathon, if you’re lucky you will have a good friend by your side coaching you through those tough moments. But even so, you must be the one who takes the steps forward, you must run and no one can do that for you. Only I can change my thoughts and actions, I am the one who must take the steps. As exhausted and worn out as I am, I must do this on my own. I can let my wounds define me and turn me into an Ice Queen or I can use the Ice to heal them. This is something I have control over, the one thing I have the ability to change… the way I view my circumstances. I can let them crush me or I can take this energy and get through this and come out stronger, more driven and happier than ever.
Just as in running, it is those tough workouts you think you will never make it through, that leave you feeling sore and unable to move, that ultimately make you a stronger, faster and a better runner. I am starting to see that this same thing is true in my life. I hate those workouts when I’m going through them, and I have hated going through this life funk but the alternative is staying the same, never getting stronger and that is just not a life I ever want to live.